Fostering Better Relationships with Parents to Defuse Contentious Situations

Creating better working relationships in any organization is critical to its success, and this would include parents of athletes. In spite of intentional thought, time and effort by an athletic administrator to communicate and develop a good positive working relationship, an occasional concern might arise and it might become a problem.

Without a doubt, effective communication is an essential component in developing a working and cooperative relationship with parents. Lefteris Banos, athletic director at Haddonfield (New Jersey) Memorial High School, asks his coaches to clearly share their expectations at their pre-season meetings, through regular email messages and via team newsletters.

“We also publish and post registration, start dates, and the mission and philosophy of our athletic department in our preseason newsletter, the Principal’s Newsletter, postings on our website and other social media platforms,” Banos said. “Taking these steps early sets a positive tone and helps prevent misunderstandings later.”

Tom Arria, director of athletics at Cambridge Rindge and Latin School in Cambridge, Massachusetts, noted that “The core motivation for most parents is to support their child and to do what they believe is best for their child. Understanding this point has helped me immensely with my communication efforts and to develop empathy. My goal is to understand their perspective and, in turn, help them to understand the coach’s or my decision- making process. If they can see that I truly care, it helps and the conversation becomes more productive.”

“I keep communication consistent and accessible,” according to Katie Johnson, director of athletics at the Latin School of Chicago, Illinois. “By being at games, I want parents to see and know that I am concerned and available. We want parents and guardians to feel like allies in supporting their child’s athletic experience.”

“If something serious develops, I call instead of writing a detailed email because tone matters more than the method,” Johnson added. “And we also emphasize to parents that we want athletes to take ownership and speak first with their coach to deal with concerns. If there is no resolution, we also expect that parents then follow the chain of command and initially contact the coach before reaching out to me or an upper-level administrator.”

Being proactive with communication is often vital to head off potential problems. In this pursuit, Doug Marchetti, athletic director at Norwalk (Connecticut) High School, shared, “I ask our coaches to keep me informed and abreast of any issues or developing situations. With advanced notice, we can possibly take corrective steps and inform parents. Also, the more that I know, the better prepared I can be and this approach sure beats being blind-sided.”

In like-fashion, it is also highly advisable to keep your principal and superintendent informed of any possible situation, incident or problem.

While effective and proactive communication is essential to build relationships, building trust is also important. There is an expression in the coaching ranks that athletes don’t care how much you know about skills and strategy until they know coaches care about them. The same could be said about developing a working relationship with parents.

“Trust is built through transparency, consistency and fairness in communication and decision-making,” Banos said. “It is critical to treat every athlete and parent with respect, and address concerns promptly which reinforces trust.”

“Trust is built through dependability and honesty,” Johnson said. “Parents may not agree with every decision, but they respect fairness. I make sure that families understand that decisions are based on what supports students and not convenience. Always being honest and candid builds credibility over time.”

Despite effective communication, demonstrating a sincere concern for the well-being of student-athletes, and building trust, an occasional problem may develop. If there is a need for a conversation or meeting, Marchetti said he always starts by establishing ground rules for decorum and unacceptable language.

“After creating the environment, I really try to listen, Marchetti said. “Often the parent wants to vent, and I am reminded of advice my father gave me: ‘Respond, don’t react.’ Reacting tends to become emotional, and you want to keep conversations civil. And then I also remember what one of my college professors emphasized: ‘The person who is upset and out of control is the person with the problem. It is vital to remain calm and composed.’”

If he expects that a conversation could become contentious, Arria always gathers as much background information as possible from coaches and witnesses to a situation.

“I also want to gain a perspective of this parent’s background and any previous incidents that may have occurred,” Arria said. “If needed, I might ask an assistant principal, dean or guidance counselor to join the meeting if they have relevant information or might be able to facilitate a challenging conversation.”

While preparing for parent meetings in the same manner as Arria, Banos also adds, “I try first to understand the parent’s perspective, because their main priority is to advocate for their child. I want and need to reassure them that all parties, and that would include our coaches and me, care about the student’s well-being. We all have the same objective!”

With the possibility of a contentious situation, Arria shared an insightful thought. “Even with 22 years of experience in athletic administration, I don’t have all the answers and I actively seek the experience and wisdom of others. If you are willing to seek out advice, you are doing the best to get it right.”

In like manner, Banos often consults with experienced athletic administrators he trusts. “Getting another objective perspective helps me to find a better way to handle most issues. I make it a point to have breakfast at least once a month with my close circle of colleagues. By listening to them, it is not only helpful but therapeutic as well.”

The most important strategy to defuse potential contentious situations according to Johnson and Arria is, “Listen first and stay calm.”

“Parents advocate out of care, even if the delivery may be difficult, and they can be allies when they feel respected and informed,” Johnson said. “If you accomplish this, the tone changes immediately. The relationships we build with parents aren’t about avoiding conflict; they involve handling the process with empathy, structure and follow-through. The more connected parents feel to the program’s values, the more likely they are to approach difficult situations with respect.”

These tips and approaches represent a great deal of sage advice from four outstanding, experienced athletic administrators. Effective, proactive communication, being available and visible, building trust and being consistent will go a long way toward building productive working relationships with parents, and defusing possible contentious situations.

Dr. David Hoch is a former athletic director at two high schools in Baltimore County (Maryland) for 16 years. He has 24 years of experience coaching basketball, including 14 years on the collegiate level. Hoch, who has a doctorate in sports management from Temple (Pennsylvania) University, is past president of the Maryland State Athletic Directors Association, and he formerly was executive director of the Maryland State Coaches Association. He has had more than 800 articles published in professional magazines, as well as four textbook chapters. Dr. Hoch is the author of five books: Coaching within the Education-Based Athletics Concept; The Parents’ Guide to Education-Based Athletics; Leading an Education-Based Athletic Program; A Lifetime of Memories from Education-Based Athletics: Humorous, Inspirational and Occasionally Sad; and Refocusing on Education-Based Athletics – A Call to Action. Hoch is a member of the NFHS High School Today Publications Committee.