Coaching Your Child in High School

Coaches face many challenges and enjoy many rewards throughout their careers. If they are lucky, they can coach championship teams and develop lifelong relationships with their athletes. There are also trying times when coaches may question why they ever thought of getting into coaching. Nevertheless, there are also situations that may occur in coaching careers when you are faced with a unique challenge: coaching your own sons and daughters.

One of the reasons we find value in coaching is due to the relationships we build; we teach athletes lessons to be successful not just solely in athletics but throughout their lives. One day, they arrive as unknown freshmen, and the next, you’re sitting in a chair on a warm Saturday morning watching them receive their diploma, heading off to the next chapter in their lives. Knowing that time as a parent is short, parent-coaches need to develop ways so they can enjoy time together.

Allow coaching from others

Although we may find ourselves on the same team as our sons and daughters, it is important to let your children be coached by other people. Even if you are a highly recognized head coach, they can learn new things in a different way from other coaches, even your assistants. Throughout an athlete’s career they are bound to face good and bad coaching, but just like other parents, parent-coaches quickly need to learn to not coach them from the sidelines. One of our goals as coaches is to develop leadership in not just athletes but our fellow coaches as well. To instill this leadership, we must allow other coaches to do their jobs. This allows a more productive atmosphere that fosters respect. In that same mindset, it is best not to talk to your children after a game, match or race. We have all heard stories about parents burning out their sons and daughters by overanalyzing game results. As coaches who are parents, we need to be there for our children, but allow them to bring up the conversation of play and outcome only if they wish to do so. A further step is that we can ask our sons and daughters to speak to another coach on staff first before they talk to us.

Treat your child like any other

A child’s personality may set some of the tone of the coach/parent relationship. I do feel it is extremely important to set some parameters as to how things are to be handled. Even though coaches may treat their sons and daughters differently at home, they need to treat them like any other player during practices and games. Some coaches set environmental ground rules. At games and practices with the public present, the coach is coach; however, when at home it’s only mom or dad. This may seem trivial, but teammates notice nuances and if we are going to treat athletes the same, something as simple as a title can go a long way in showing the distinction between the two.

Be able to make the tough decisions and see the future

As we raise our own children, most of us instill the values we pass on to others through coaching. In school and sports, we want our kids to work hard, be respectful, communicate well and look people in the eye. However, even following the Six Pillars of Character will not ensure competitiveness. When it comes to putting the program first, coaches want the best players on the team. Some players provide skill and work ethic while others have heart that will only make your team better. Finding the right combination and making the right choices, as any coach will tell you, is the most difficult part of coaching. When we find our own children being a possible piece to maximizing team potential, it is a challenge to separate what is best for the team and for our children as we have vested interests in both. It is during these times that parent coaches need to rely on vision and core principles.

A high school athletic career is only four years long, but crucial in the development of many of our youth. Many come with aspirations to be a scholarship player and even play professionally. Coaches can help in achieving these goals, but there is much more benefit in instilling habits in all athletes that will allow them to find success in any number of post high school goals. Parent coaches are tasked with remembering their core principles and having vision. Most coaches will agree they want their athletes to be able to overcome hardship, have the ability to make plans to work toward success, and build a network with friends with others that can last a lifetime. Parent coaches may have children with a wide range of ability levels, but they have to allow their core principles to coincide with their parenting.

An example of this is when a coach has two girls that both play JV volleyball together during their sophomore and freshman year. The younger daughter turns out to be the best player on the JV team and is moved up for playoffs. During next season’s tryouts, the younger daughter – now a sophomore – brings more skill and experience and easily earns a spot on the varsity team. However, the older daughter does not have the skills of her sister. She is one of the players that needs to be addressed individually by the parent coach and coaching staff. These are real parental coaching moments and as coaches we are charged to look after the entire team by displaying the honesty and professionalism that all our communities expect. In addition, when we have these conversations with a focus on core principles and vision, we are better able to communicate with all athletes in these delicate situations.

Be honest with all team members

As a coach, honesty helps team members understand their team roles. Honesty fosters a positive team environment and we need to be honest with all players regardless of whether they are our sons and daughters. One area that we can focus on when we have sons and daughters on our teams is to be aware of our comments and find ways to recognize all player contributions. Coaches’ sons and daughters are part of teams they play on and need to be treated like the rest of their teammates.

Coaching a team is full of challenges and rewards, and essentially, we create the foundations of a “second family.” Each player is like a son or daughter. It has been wonderful to build relationships like this over the years and can be just as rewarding when your son or daughter become part of the school program.